There comes a time when suddenly the things/events/people that make you happy could no longer spark a flame of joy in you. This day was one of those. But this day is one of a kind. This was the first time I woke up and instantly my brain tells me "You are not happy anymore". At that very moment I realized that indeed, I am no longer happy.
I never thought that I would ever be in this situation because most of the times, I am responsible for convincing myself that I am sad by thinking of reasons and excuses that I am definitely sad. But early this morning was a different situation.It was like my brain also gave up on me, now convinced that I have the right to be sad. I guess I'm just tired. Tired of being alone, tired of waiting, tired of being patient, tired of thinking too much, tired of impressing other people, tired of being on my own, tired of keeping things to myself, tired of crying myself at night, tired of convincing myself that I am happy. Simply put, tired of life. It becomes difficult for me to find happiness in simple things which used to make me smile. I guessed I've grown numb with all the things I've been through. What can I do, I believed and trusted too much. I envy those who have friends to turn on to in times of depression. They have someone to cry on to and share the pain with. They could go anywhere with friends and spend the time chatting and laughing, forgetting about the sad things brought by life. I try to go on a walk to reflect on things but it still makes me sad knowing that walking alone with watery eyes makes me look stupid.
It took me an hour of crying and hushing myself before having the strength to write this note. But this is life, it has to go on. It has to. I guess I cant go back to the old me, I could maybe, but it would take time. The pain, the sadness, the loneliness, they have taken their toll and pushed mo the point I never thought I would be in. Being numb..Being oblivious. Its hard for me as well, but its where my tired, weary emotions took me. I feel defeated, useless. I have the right to be numb, the right to do nothing, the right to not to think of how bad I hurt anyone. Give me this time, and I hope I could mend myself somewhere between those times. I cant be me anymore. I just can't. 
The only genuine happiness I see is in the eyes and smile of my little cousins. Their smiles and laughter make me smile even just for a while. How I wish I was like them, young and care free, happy with small little things, do not think too much about the world, innocent and care-free.
"I feel that I should be in a place somewhere that would make me happy. But the sad part is, this is the reality. I am here putting myself together pretending to be strong just to get through this day."
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